In Furman's experience, children have chosen many things, such as guardian angels, Tarzan and tyrannosaurs. The idea is that the child uses the "power animal" for support and to gain courage: in this case, to protect him from the toilet monster. Step four was to assign a "power animal" to the skill. Step three involved giving the skill a name, in this case "big boy" - a child who was afraid of dogs could name the skill "doggie friend", one who needed to learn to move about calmly "king tiger". While discussing step two, the "toilet monster" emerged as the main issue. Step two was to talk about the need to use the toilet and all the benefits the child - and those who cared about him - would experience as a result. Step one was to define the skill: using the toilet.
Within a day, my son had conquered his fears and mastered the skill. So I stopped blaming myself for being a "bad" mother.
The problem was that he had been reluctant at times to use the toilet. I tried Furman's method on my son a few days after his fourth birthday.
After mastering the skill, the child thanks those who have helped in teaching the skill: parents, teachers, counsellors and so on. The parent helps the child learn the skill, then the parent rewards the child for learning it. A child who hits other children has to learn self-control. A child who sleeps with the lights on, for example, needs to learn to stay in the dark. You start the process by identifying the skill the child needs to learn. Instead of asking whose fault a problem is, parents need to focus on the child's problem as one they can help the child to solve. Stop blaming and start naming the skill you or your child needs to learn, Furman advises. The author of catchily titled best-sellers such as Pickpockets On A Nudist Camp (which he wrote with Tapani Ahola) and It's Never Too Late To Have A Happy Childhood, Furman was recently brought to Dublin by the Brief Therapy Group to speak to 150 psychologists, counsellors, doctors, nurses, teachers and others working in the area of mental health. He has developed a programme called Kids' Skills, which can be used by parents, teachers and others working with children. Spreading the word internationally that, with support, even children with severe difficulties can solve their own problems is the mission of the 47-year-old Finnish media star. believe every problem can be solved if the person experiencing it, whether a child or an adult, learns the required skill.īrief therapy has been used by adult victims of sexual abuse, teenagers experiencing difficulties in relationships with their parents (and vice versa) and people involved in employee assistance programmes. In Dublin, the approach is championed by the Brief Therapy Group in Ranelagh. There's an international trend in psychology towards rejecting psychotherapy in favour of living in the present and solving today's problems today. Cut the crap, because it's leading nowhere."
"Therapy and punishment are two approaches that don't work. Problems such as stealing, lying and hurting others are as common in children with no trauma in their backgrounds as they are in children who have had a rough time, he believes. We need to encourage in our children a sense of responsibility rather than self-esteem." "I don't believe in low self-esteem," he says. Finland's answer to Frasier Crane, the psychiatrist Ben Furman, says he's never met a child with behavioural problems who had low self-esteem. And stop worrying about your children's self-esteem. If you're a parent, stop blaming yourself for your children's problems.